Friday, May 13, 2011

Fitting in...

I'm not sure where I fit these days...

My clothes are a bit snug, my journey sometimes feels solitary and I'm failing to find words with some of my companions.

I'm growing and it's wonderful. I know that our baby is growing too, and that's good. SO good. I just need to find more dresses with empire waists and remember that my hormones are going to be out of whack sometimes.

I have a wonderful support system in Tyler, my family and an amazing group of women. I feel so loved, but also super isolated. I isolate myself with worry. Worry over this little one as they develop, what birth is going to be like, what the first few weeks will be like, what they will be like when they are 1, 10 and 20. Worry that I will still enjoy my work. Worry that I will still be Katie. It's in my worry that I feel alone.
But when I'm not worrying, I'm dreaming. I dream about what life is going to be like and how wonderful it's going to be to be a mom, see Tyler be a dad and share our baby with our families. I know I'm not alone. I am loved. We are loved. I am supported. We are supported.

Tyler can attest that I can't turn off my brain. I over analyze and replay conversations from literally years ago. This is a super awful trait to have when it comes to talking to friends. I'm constantly worried that I've said the wrong thing, talked about the pregnancy too much, or that I'm just boring and not fun. I know I'm fun. I know I'm intelligent and have things to say. I just need to be around the people that don't make me doubt who I am and my worth.

I'm glad I fit with you, Tyler Day.
I'm glad I fit with you, little sweet baby.
I'm glad I fit with you, family.
I'm glad I fit with you, friends that truly know me.
I'm glad I fit with nature and flowers and gardening and sunshine.


Jessica Marie said...

Love this and love you, Mama!

birdie said...

Thanks sweet Jess. Love you too!

vintage girl at heart said...

what you are feeling is so normal!
you will be an awesome mommie and it will all fall into place.
have a blessed day!

Aura said...

I've been thinking about you, Katie! I came by the shop on Thursday for you to meet Elodie but was sad to see you weren't working. Everything you said is still so fresh for me, and the same worries, doubts, and excitements that I just went through. If you ever need to talk, just let me know! I'm back at work on Thursday so I'll be around the corner and coming by a little more to get my fresh flowers :)

The Tiny Team said...

Been there, felt that! I was mostly worried about birthing, etc. I watched my friends birth video, and I was very inspired. She told me everytime I got nervous, to change it to excitement. I really tried, and after a while, it started to work.

She told me, "there is nothing you can do now, so don't waste your time worrying." Haha, it was so true.

I hope you feel better soon!


katie said...

Thanks for the encouragement lovely ladies. This week is so much better!

Courtney said...

Oh sweet Katie, I'm sorry I am just now seeing this. The feelings of isolation or oh so universal, pregnant or not. You are loved by so, so many! Can't wait to spend some time together next week.